Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Can't We Just Forgive And Forget

Offenses are common, and the offender usually wants to be forgiven. But the offended is usually reluctant to forgive, particularly if the offender hasn't learned anything from the ordeal.

But if forgiveness is difficult, forgetting can be downright impossible for many spouses. How can people be expected to forget some of the most painful experiences of their lives?

In every relationship you're involved in, it’s inevitable that something will happen in the relationship that will cause you to be upset with the other person or the other person will be upset with you.
Now, we've all heard the expression "forgive and forget" but we believe that "forgive and forget" doesn't serve you.
We believe that in most cases, you really don't forget and here's why.
Have you ever had the feeling that the harder you try to "forget" something, the more you end up focusing on it.
If someone says to you, "Don't think of the color blue" "Don't think of the color blue" "Don't think of the color blue," no matter how hard you try, you probably can't stop visualizing or thinking about the color blue.
The same thing happens when you try to "forget" a negative situation that has an emotional charge to it. No matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to do it.
We believe that instead of forgiving and forgetting, you have to forgive and let go. But let go of what?
In almost all cases when you are having a difficult time forgiving someone, you are holding on to an attachment of some kind or another.

The attachments most commonly manifest themselves in the need to be justified, the need to be honored, the need to be right, the need to be vindicated, the desire for revenge, and the inability to move past fear.

So when you are holding onto an attachment, what you are actually doing is holding onto a position which is serving you in some way but it is not moving you forward in healing the relationship.

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