Body Language

"Signals of a Liar"

In order to spot a liar, use a person's usual behavior as a measuring stick to see if they're stretching the truth.

But when it comes to reading a person, body language speaks volumes. There are some gestures and mannerisms to look out for in order to catch a liar, so long as they differ from the person's regular actions.

Lying Gestures

· rapid eye movement

· crossed arms

· constant fidgeting

· eyes focused to the right (indicates use of the creative side of the brain)

· eyes focused firmly on an object

· rubbing eye

· eyes either wide open or partly shut

· legs crossed when seated

· legs not planted firmly on the ground when seated

· holding an object or gripping ankle, knee, or skin of a crossed leg when seated.

· touching face, such as lips, cheeks, chin, nose, etc.

· playing with hair

· tugging ear

Although we've always been taught that lack of eye contact is a dead giveaway of a liar, it's not necessarily evidence as we have been conditioned to look another in the eye when it comes to business and sports, in order to psych-out our opponent. We have almost been raised to be good liars.

Many of the aforementioned gestures such as the ear tugging, eye rubbing, mouth covering, and nose tapping can point to a liar as the liar's body language is saying, "I can't believe what I'm saying!"

While body language can be a good indicator of a liar, a person's unconscious mannerisms aren't always reliable. It's your job to play detective and put the puzzle pieces together, by using the subject's speech.

Emotional Gestures & Contradiction

• Timing and duration of emotional gestures and emotions are off a normal pace. The display of emotion is delayed, stays longer than it would naturally, then stops suddenly.

• Timing is off between emotions gestures/expression s and words. Example: Someone says "I love it!" when receiving a gift, and then smile after making that statement, rather than at the same time the statement is made.

• Gestures/expression s don’t match the verbal statement, such as frowning when saying “I love you.”

• Expressions are limited to mouth movements when someone is faking emotions (like happy, surprised, sad, awe, )instead of the whole face. For example; when someone smiles naturally their whole face is involved: jaw/cheek movement, eyes and forehead push down, etc.

Interactions and Reactions

• A guilty person gets defensive. An innocent person will often go on the offensive.

• A liar is uncomfortable facing his questioner/accuser and may turn his head or body away.

• A liar might unconsciously place objects (book, coffee cup, etc.) between themselves an Verbal Context and Content

• A liar will use your words to make answer a question. When asked, “Did you eat the last cookie?” The liar answers, “No, I did not eat the last cookie.”

•A statement with a contraction is more likely to be truthful: “ I didn't do it” instead of “I did not do it”

• Liars sometimes avoid "lying" by not making direct statements. They imply answers instead of denying something directly.

• The guilty person may speak more than natural, adding unnecessary details to convince you... they are not comfortable with silence or pauses in the conversation.

• A liar may leave out pronouns and speak in a monotonous tone. When a truthful statement is made the pronoun is emphasized as much or more than the rest of the words in a statement.

• Words may be garbled and spoken softly, and syntax and grammar may be off. In other words, his sentences will likely be muddled rather than emphasized.

Other signs of a lie:

• If you believe someone is lying, then change subject of a conversation quickly, a liar follows along willingly and becomes more relaxed. The guilty wants the subject changed; an innocent person may be confused by the sudden change in topics and will want to back to the previous subject.

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A paradigm shift in thinking.

Ducks Quack , Eagles Fly

A paradigm shift in thinking.

No one can make you serve customers well. That's because great service is a choice. Years ago, my friend, Adam, told me a wonderful story about a cab driver that proved this point.

He was waiting in line for a ride at the airport. When a cab pulled up, the first thing Adam noticed was that the taxi was polished to a bright shine. Smartly dressed in a khakhi shirt, e, and freshly pressed khakhi slacks, the cab driver jumped out and rounded the car to open the back passenger door for Adam .

He handed my friend a laminated card and said:

"I'm Wally, your driver. While I'm loading your bags in the trunk I'd like you to read my mission statement."

Taken aback, Adam read the card. It said:

Wally's Mission Statement:

To get my customers to their destination in the quickest, safest and cheapest way possible in a friendly environment.

This blew Adam away. Especially when he noticed that the inside of the cab matched the outside. Spotlessly clean!

As he slid behind the wheel, Wally said, "Would you like a cup of coffee? I have a thermos of regular and one of decaf."

My friend said jokingly, "No, I'd prefer a soft drink."

Wally smiled and said, "No problem. I have a cooler up front with regular and Diet Coke, water and orange juice."

Almost stuttering, Adam said, "I'll take a Diet Coke."

Handing him his drink, Wally said, "If you'd like something to read, I have The Times, Sports Illustrated and India Today."

As they were pulling away, Wally handed my friend another laminated card. "These are the stations I get and the music they play, if you'd like to listen to the radio."

And as if that weren't enough, Wally told Adam the best route to his destination for that time of day. He also let him know that he'd be happy to chat and tell him about some of the sights or, if Adam preferred, to leave him with his own thoughts.

"Tell me, Wally," my amazed friend asked the driver, "have you always served customers like this?"

Wally smiled into the rearview mirror. "No, not always. In fact, it's only been in the last two years. My first five years driving, I spent most of my time complaining like all the rest of the cabbies do. Then I heard the personal growth guru, Wayne Dyer, on the radio one day.

He had just written a book called You'll See It When You Believe It. Dyer said that if you get up in the morning expecting to have a bad day, you'll rarely disappoint yourself. He said, 'Stop complaining! Differentiate yourself from your competition. Don't be a duck. Be an eagle. Ducks quack and complain. Eagles soar above the crowd.'"

"That hit me right between the eyes," said Wally. "Dyer was really talking about me. I was always quacking and complaining, so I decided to change my attitude and become an eagle. I looked around at the other cabs and their drivers. The cabs were dirty, the drivers were unfriendly, and the customers were unhappy. So I decided to make some changes. I put in a few at a time. When my customers responded well, I did more."

"I take it that has paid off for you," Adam said.

"It sure has," Wally replied. "My first year as an eagle, I doubled my income from the previous year. This year I'll probably quadruple it. You were lucky to get me today. I don't sit at cabstands anymore. My customers call me for appointments on my cell phone or leave a message on my answering machine. If I can't pick them up myself, I get a reliable cabbie friend to do it and I take a piece of the action."

Wally was phenomenal. He was running a limo service out of a Yellow Cab. I've probably told that story to more than fifty cab drivers over the years, and only two took the idea and ran with it. Whenever I go to their cities, I give them a call. The rest of the drivers quacked like ducks and told me all the reasons they couldn't do any of what I was suggesting.

Wally the Cab Driver made a different choice. He decided to stop quacking like ducks and start soaring like eagles.

How about you?

Dealing With Insult

Dealing with insult
************ *****

The Buddha explained how to handle insult and maintain compassion.

One day Buddha was walking through a village. A very angry and rude young man came up and began insulting him. "You have no right teaching others," he shouted. "You are as stupid as everyone else. You are nothing but a fake."

Buddha was not upset by these insults. Instead he asked the young man "Tell me, if you buy a gift for someone, and that person does not take it, to whom does the gift belong?"

The man was surprised to be asked such a strange question and answered, "It would belong to me, because I bought the gift."

The Buddha smiled and said, "That is correct. And it is exactly the same with your anger. If you become angry with me and I do not get insulted, then the anger falls back on you. You are then the only one who becomes unhappy, not me. All you have done is hurt yourself."

"If you want to stop hurting yourself, you must get rid of your anger and become loving instead. When you hate others, you yourself become unhappy. But when you love others, everyone is happy."

Unleash The Power Of Your Mind

Unleash the power of your mind

Weather/Traffic/ Moods of people......what is the one thing among these that we can have control over? None I suppose, because it is not in our hands to control them BUT YES we can control our emotions and feelings against these through having control over our mind.

"A man who rules his mind rules the world"

How rightly said! Whether it is Physical vitality/Enthusiasm /Self confidence, any thing that is required to succeed in life depends mainly on our mental fitness and our mental agility. Because success on the outside starts with success in the inside. All our success depends on the 12 pounds mass sitting between our shoulders. This 12 pounds mass has lots of potential, lots of positive energy.Every individual is born with the same raw material, then why is it that some of them succeed, some become achievers and some don't? It all depends on how you refine that raw material and how you use it i.e. how you tap the immense potential of your mind and how you use your mind effectively.

Our mind is just like any other muscle of our body and when it comes to'muscles' it is rightly said 'You use it or you loose it' this means that you have to exercise your muscles or else they grow weak.
For ex. if you want to strengthen the muscles of your hand you have to train them, if you want to toughen your leg muscles you have to exert them, etc.
In the same way we can strengthen our mind through certain simple methods like 'Self awareness', 'Mental training', Mental Imaging', and of course a few breathing exercises.

Every thing starts with our thoughts. The quality of our Life is directly proportional to the quality of our thoughts. As Winston Churchill stated that "Price of greatness is to have responsibility over EACH of your thoughts.

" Thoughts act like seeds in the garden of our minds."As you sow, so shall you reap'. If you sow positive thoughts then the result is definitely going to be positive and if you sow thoughts of doubt then life may seem uncertain and the harvest may include questions such as 'Can I succeed' , Will I ever be good enough' , etc.

Negative thoughts lead to negative energy and that in turn causes diseases, destroys relationships andmakes you ineffective.If you hope to make a remarkable improvement in your outer world you need tof irst start within and change the caliber of your thoughts. Because the quality of your thinking determines the quality of your life.

SELF AWARENESS/SELF MASTERY: "Knowing others is intelligence: knowing yourself is wisdom. Mastering others is strength:mastering yourself is true power." Selfawareness is becoming aware of each and every thought. Become your own observer, learn to watch your thoughts coming and going like clouds in the sky,watch how each emotion rises and falls like the waves of the oceans.

As you grow in self awareness, you will better understand why you feel what you feel and why you behave as you behave. That understanding then gives you the opportunity and freedom to change those things you'd like to change about yourself and create the life you want. Without fully knowing who you are, self acceptance and change become impossible.

MENTAL TRAINING: Mental training is naming and labeling your thoughts. By mentally noting 'sadness', I can think about what "seeds of sadness" I may have been watering. I have become aware of my mental/emotional state and can now make choices.

What seeds will I water? Our mind is a giant slide projector where each thought is a slide. Use the technique of opposition thinking, i.e. When the undesirable thought occupies the focal point of your mind quickly replace it with an uplifting one.

Become aware that you are thinking these undesirable thoughts. Our mind is the world's largest filtering device. Therefore use it properly so that it filters away that is unimportant and gives us only that information which you are looking out at that time, 'your priority'.


MENTAL IMAGING: "Imagination is more powerful than knowledge", AlbertEinstein. YES we can easily use the Power of Imagination for our success.Always hold wonderful pictures in your mind's eyes and imagine your experience before hand because our mind cannot differentiate between the real and the imaginary experience. Our mind has a magnetic power to attract all that we desire into our life.

A moment's thought will show us that unless we know "just what" we desire, we can take no steps toward attaining it on any plane of manifestation. And the more clearly our desires are perceived in our imagination, the clearer is the work of proceeding toward the realization of that desire.

A Mental Image gives you a frame work upon which to work. The minds of the majority of people are more or less blank screens or curtains upon which play the pictures produced there by outside influences, suggestions, environments, etc., for very few people realize their individuality, and are merely reflections of the thoughts and ideas of other people.
Therefore, mastery of the mind opens avenues of hope. We can begin to reshape our life and character, rebuild relationships, thrive in the stress of daily living, become the kind of person we want to be.

No Problem Children------Only Problem Parents

"In a perfect world, parenting would come down to one sentence: Show only love, be only love." Deepak Chopra

There are no such things as Problem children. There are however Problem parents. The problem with parents is:

They go nuts! When they recognize the suppressed parts of themselves being acted out by their children.

They feel inadequate: When they recognize that their children are ready to take risks they were not willing to take.

Their ego is hurt: When they discover that their child is able to overcome obstacles they believed were difficult.

Their authority is challenged: When they understand that their children have the power to do what they make up their minds to do.

AND when their authority is being challenged, they will do anything and everything to keep a child in line. "They will even run the risk of DESTROYING the child's spirit.

The child is made to feel insecure: When the parent is confronted by a child's opinions.

The child is made to feel inadequate: When the parent is confronted by a child's approach.

The child is made to doubt its own self: When the parent is confronted with a child's ability to see the truth, know the truth and speak the truth.

Parents know they are powerful. At times, they stop trusting themselves when they remember what their parents said and did with them. They start feeling insecure thinking that they might do the same.

Until today you may have been raising your child with the same fear and ignorance with which you may have been raised.

OR maybe you may be doing your best to make sure that your children are not raised like you.

JUST FOR TODAY START OBVSERVING YOUR CHILD, HIS STRENGHTS HIS WEAKNESSES. TAKE OUT TIME AND LISTEN TO THEM. SEE THEIR TRUE SELF. REALIZE THAT YOUR CHILDREN OFFER A DIVINE OPPORTUNITY FOR YOU TO GIVE AND TO GET SOME OF THE THINGS YOU MAY HAVE MISSED.

Fear Of Failure

Dealing with fear of failure issues

The fear of failure is probably the number one problem holding people back from the success they desire and deserve. Conquering the fear of failure may just be the single most important thing you can do to improve your level of success and achieve your dreams and goals. There are many ways to conquer the fear of failing, and it is important to choose the techniques that best suit your own personality and style.

When dealing with and addressing fear of failure issues, it is important to first understand that such fears are perfectly normal and justified. After all, no one likes to fail, and repeated failures can be enough to make some people stop trying altogether. Although fear of failure may be normal, it is also important to know that it can be overcome.

Many of the most successful people in the worlds of entertainment, business and politics failed repeatedly before they made it big. It is rare indeed to encounter someone who was a true overnight success in any field. Most people got there through hard work and perseverance, and that means they learned to handle rejection and put their fear of failure aside in order to achieve their goals.

The first step in conquering a deep seeded fear of failure is to take a step back and see that failure is not the end of the road. Just because you failed to achieve your goal today does not mean you will not go on to triumph tomorrow. The key is to learn from every setback, and to treat every failure as an opportunity to learn rather than as a reason to stop trying.

A very famous saying," There is nothing called failure, its just an outcome. The day you fail is the day when you try last."
While it is true that if you never try anything new you can eliminate your fear of failure, this technique will not lead to a healthy and fulfilling life. New experiences, whether in the social world, your personal life, or in the business arena is what gives life its spice and spark. Eliminating these important elements of life just because you are afraid you will not succeed, is not the way to a fulfilling life.

Rather, the road to a fulfilling life, a successful business and a rewarding personal life lies in seeing failure as a temporary setback and not a permanent condition. Once you have come to see failure as permanent, it is easy to become depressed and discouraged. If, on the other hand, you see failure as temporary, and use it as a way to learn and grow, your fear of failure will be diminished or even eliminated.

Of course, dealing with fear of failure in this manner is easier said than done, and it will take a lot of work, perseverance and patience to truly overcome a fear of failure. It all boils down to having a positive attitude, and knowing that you can succeed. The people you surround yourself with can have a significant impact on your success as well. For instance, if you choose to surround yourself with people who are negative, or those who think they can never succeed, that bad attitude is bound to rub off on you, and make conquering your fear of failure that much harder.

If, on the other hand, you can surround yourself with positive people, those who express a can do attitude about life, that attitude will be infectious as well. A positive attitude is as easy to spread as a negative one, so try to keep your circle of contacts positive and focused on your goals.

Understand The Problem Before You Diagnose

Suppose u have been having trouble with your eyes and u decide to go to an optometrist for help. After briefly listening to your complaint,he takes off his glasses and hands them to you."
Put these on, "he says. "I've worn this pair of glasses for ten years now and they have helped me, I have an extra pair at home; you can wear these."
So you put them on, but it only makes the problem worse."This is terrible!" you exclaim. I can't see a thing!""Well, that's wrong?" he asks. "
They work great for me. Try harder."" I am trying, " you insist. " everything is a blur.""Well, what's the matter with you? Think positively can't see a thing.""Boy, are you ungrateful!" he chides. " And after all I've done to help you!"
What are the chances you'd go back to that optometrist the next time you needed help? Not very good, I would imagine. You don't have much confidence in someone who doesn't diagnose before he or she prescribes.
We have such a tendency to rush in, to fix things up with good advice. But we often fail to take the time to diagnose, to really, deeply understand the problem first.
If I were to summarize in one sentence the single most important principle I have learned in the field of interpersonal relations, it would be this: seek first to understand, then to be understood. This principle is the key to effective interpersonal communication.
This principle is also true in sales. Diagnosing before you prescribe is also fundamental to law.
A good lawyer almost rights the opposing attorney's case before he rights his own.
A good engineer will understand the forces, the stresses at work before designing the bridge.
A good teacher will assess the class before teaching.
A good student will understand before he applies.
A good parent will understand before evaluating or judging.
The key to good judgment is understanding.
If you want to interact effectively with to influence __ your spouse, your child, your neighbor, your boss, your coworker, your friend____ you first need to understand them.
And you can't do that with technique alone.
If they Sense you are using some technique they sense duplicity, manipulation.
They will wonder why you are doing it, what your motives are and will not feel safe enough to open themselves up to you.
Then as much as they want and even need to receive your love and influence, they will not feel safe enough to expose their opinions and experiences and their tender feelings.
Who knows what will happen? But unless they open up with you, unless you understand them and their unique situations and feelings, you wont know how to advice or counsel them.
What you say is good and fine, but it doesn't quite pertain to them.
You may say you care about and appreciate them when you don't even understand them?
All they have are your words, and they can't trust words.So if you want to be really effective in the habit of interpersonal communication, you cannot do it with technique alone.
You have to first understand, only then you will be understood.

Problems Are Not Your Problem

By Mark Victor Hansen

You see, problems are going to come and go. Your life is not going to be perfect every day. Even if you have the most positive mindset, problems are going to present themselves. That’s a fact. You can’t change it.

What I want you to understand is that PROBLEMS ARE NOT THE PROBLEM. They are just situations that are presented to you. You have two choices when presented with problems: You can see them as destructive, spirit-breaking potholes in the road of life; or you can see them as constructive, mind-expanding opportunities to problem solve and move forward to success. It’s that simple.

Remember: Encountering difficulties is part of life. Count yourself lucky as you’ve been “chosen” to seek out and learn a valuable lesson! The only people who don’t have problems are dead people.

“Claim and believe hard tasks are easy and they will become easier and be accomplished more quickly.”

THIS WEEK’S ACTION STEP
In closing this week, I’d like to offer an exercise to complete in the week ahead:

I want you to look at your life. What do you consider to be problems? What are the problems that you worry about on a daily basis? Take out a journal or notebook and a pen. Sit down and close your eyes. Write them all down. Remember, we’re talking about the present, not the future – that will come soon enough.
Is money an issue? Your physical appearance? Your health? Fear of failure? What is it that you worry about?

Now, look at the problems you have written down. These are the things that you have allowed to have power over you. They have pulled the wool over your eyes and led you to believe that this is where you have to stop thinking – these problems are the end. Instead, start thinking “These problems are just the beginning to new discovery!”

When you were given math homework in school, the teacher didn’t say, “Okay, kids. Take these problems home and worry about them, and tomorrow I’ll give you more problems to worry about.” The teacher said, “Here are the problems. They have answers. Solve them.”

That’s what I want you to do. I want you to take your list and write one problem at the top of a sheet of paper. (Do this for all of them.) Then under each problem write another header: “Solutions”. Now, here’s where the fun starts – yes, it’s going to be fun. I want you to “think outside the glass” and come up with new, creative, crazy solutions to each problem. I don’t care how impossible you believe your solutions are, write them down. Crazy solutions are genius in disguise.

Write 20 solutions for each problem. Afterwards, break each solution down into action steps. Once you’ve done that, I want you to decide which solution you are capable of doing right now, at this very minute. Then do it. Do each action step until you have completed that solution. If your problem is still there, try another solution. Keep going until you have discovered the one that works.

Remember Thomas Edison. Once he was asked what he had to say about the fact that he had failed thousands of times while trying to create the light bulb. Edison said he had never failed, he simply “had to run through enough learning experiences to find a way that worked.”

Depression Can Be A Real Pain

Ever heard someone say, "He's a real pain in the neck" (or other body part!)? Did you know that stress in your life can quite literally be expressed as pain and illness?

To make this easier to understand, let's compare your body to a pressure cooker. If it's allowed to vent its steam, it will sit there and happily cook along. If it's not allowed to vent its steam, the pressure will build up and up until the lid blows off! We humans are no different. And, like the pressure cooker we "flip our lids" by becoming depressed.Now, lets say that we have a cooker under pressure, but we're applying pressure to hold that lid on (the human equivalent would be holding in our emotions). What will happen? Eventually, the vessel will break and the place it will break is at its weakness point.

The same goes for us human beings. If one of your body systems is weakened, this is where a stress-related illness is most likely to develop. If your weakest point physically is your neck, you'll develop neck pains. Or back pain. Or ulcers. Or frequent colds and flu. You get the picture.

Any illness that has physical symptoms, but has the mind and emotions as its origin is called a psychosomatic illness.

Although you may be told that it's "all in your head", these illnesses are not imaginary. The aches and pains are very real, but because your doctor is looking for an actual physical cause, they are very tricky to diagnose and treat.

The key is to look for a source of stress in the person's life that the person is not coping with. By treating the underlying stress and depression, it may be possible to heal the physical problems as well.

Think About Wealth or Poverty

The Parable of Talents

By: Brian Tracy

The Parable of the Talents is the primary reason for wealth or poverty throughout history.

Reasons for Rich or Poor
Why do some people retire rich and most people retire poor? This subject has fascinated philosophers, thinkers, mystics and teachers throughout the ages. There have been so many cases of hundreds or thousands and even millions of men and women who have started with nothing and become financially independent that people are naturally curious to know why it happened and what are the common rules or principles that others can apply to become wealthy as well.

Why People Become Rich
One illustration of this key principle is called the parable of the talents. In the Bible, it says, "To him that hath, shall more be given, and he shall have abundance. But from him that hath not, even that which he hath shall be taken away.

Accumulation Leads to More Accumulation
What does it mean? In the modern world, we say "the rich get richer and the poor get poorer." The fact is that people who accumulate money tend to accumulate more and more. People who don't accumulate money seem to lose even that little bit of money which they have. Why should this happen? The great success principle, the single idea that explains human destiny is simple. It says that, "you become what you think about, most of the time.

How can you attract more wealth and more abundance?
We are now surrounded by more wealth than at any time in our history. The real question is how do YOU gain this abundance?

Control Your Thoughts
And whatever you dwell upon, grows in your reality. You create your entire world by the things you choose to think about and how you choose to think about them.
It just so happens that wealthy, successful people fill their minds with thoughts, words, pictures and images of wealth, affluence, success, productivity and solutions to problems in the marketplace, most of the time. These thoughts trigger the reticular activating cortex, the part of the brain that makes you more alert and sensitive to things that you have decided are important to you.

Activate Your Reticular Cortex
For example, if you decide to invest in a mutual fund, you will start to see news and information about mutual funds everywhere. Mentions in newspapers and magazines will jump out at you. These notices have always been there but now you have sensitized your brain to pick them up and draw them to your attention with far greater frequency and vividness. This is the function and power of your reticular cortex.

Avoid Poverty Thinking
On the other hand, what do poor people think about most of the time? Unfortunately, poor people fill their minds with thoughts of scarcity, lack, poverty, being unable to afford things. They are always thinking and talking about how little money they have, how much things cost and how they wish things could be better financially. What they think about most of the time is how little money they have.

Think Like Wealthy People Think
Wealthy people from an early age think about how much they have, how much they want and all the different things they can do to acquire and earn the money and things they desire.

Find Out How Rich People Think
Here's a rule for you. If you want to become successful, find out what failures do and don't do it. If you want to be wealthy, find out what poor people think about, and avoid thinking in those ways. Instead, find out how wealthy people think. Find out what they read. Find out how they spend their time. Study their lives, read their stories and autobiographies and listen to their words when they are interviewed and on tape. The more you find out what financially successful people think and talk about most of the time, and do the same things, the more rapidly you will enjoy the same rewards that they do.

Action Exercises
Here are two things you can do to put this parable of the talents into action:First, make a decision today that from now on you will think and talk only about the financial success that you desire. At the same time, you will refuse to talk about or dwell upon your financial problems.Second, instead of saying, "I can't afford it," instead ask the question, "How can I afford it?" When you think of something that you want or need that you don't have the money for at the time, the only question you ask is, "How?" How can you get it? What can you do to achieve it? What are your options? How can you get from where you are to where you want to go? This type of attitude will change your life.

Do You Need A Vacation? How Do you Know When

How to Tell If You Need a Vacation or not

Most of us are guilty of the same thing. We work too hard and have no time to relax. We often think that more work means more money, and that in turn means a better life. This over-worked and over-stressed lifestyle has its toll though, and many of us are paying it. It is estimated that one third of the workforce does not take vacation each year, and their vacation days go unused every year. What does this mean? This might mean you aren't working up to your potential, and the cracks will eventually be evident to everyone, including your boss.
We often think of days off for vacation in what it will cost us rather than what we gain from it. Many companies offer to pay for unused vacation days at the end of the year, so not taking the vacation pays more. You still get your regular paycheck for working the week you should have been out on vacation, and you get a nice bonus at the end of the year. You may think of each day on vacation as a dollar amount, and you may see that dollar amount as something you are not earning.
In fact, you may be tiring yourself down so much that you aren't working up to your potential. The mind needs to rest, and sometimes, that means more than taking the weekend off. Even worse, we don't stop working at quitting time. We are often glued to our cell phones in case a business call comes in, and we take work home on the weekend, if we don't end up finding another way to work. We fall under the impression that the world will fall apart without us. If we can't be reached at three AM, or if we miss an email because we ran out for coffee, we brand ourselves as slackers.
You may think you are too keyed up for vacation, and that your ambition and determination make it hard for you to step aside for some time off. However, you should think about the benefits of getting away and turning off your business cell phone, and ignoring your email account. Those who vacation come back renewed and invigorated. They often have a new perspective on their job and on life, and they are motivated to get back into their job and accomplish something. Employees who vacation are better employees all the way around.
If you find that you are stalling out when it comes to tasks that are normally easy for you, or that you seem to be tired and stressed no matter what you do to relax or how much sleep you get, you should consider taking a vacation. Everyone should have a week off per year, and some need more. You may notice that your work is slipping and is not up to your usual level of skill. This does not necessarily mean you have lost your touch, it might just mean that you need to take some time off. They don't call it "recharging your batteries" for nothing. A trip and time off from work may end up being one of the best things you can do for yourself and your career.

Listening Tips

Sixteen Commonsense Listening Tips - By Dr. Tony Alessandra

The reason you don't understand me, Edith, is because I'm talkin' to you in English and you're listenin' to me in dingbat!" - Archie Bunker

Archie was right about finding a common language or wavelength, but ittakes two to communicate - the speaker and the listener. Both need to makethe effort to understand each other. According to a French proverb, "The spoken word belongs half to him that speaks and half to him who hears."

All skills require learned behaviors and rules. The rules for good listening involve basic courtesy, sorely needed by Archie, and commonsense. Some of the rules may seem obvious, but it is amazing how many people forget them and unintentionally insult the speaker.

Often, without intending to be rude, your enthusiasm for a subject and your own desire to hear yourself talk cause you to forget courtesy. Another times you may be so involved with your own point of view that you forget to listen to what your client is saying; you just plain stop listening!
So, when conversing with another person, be aware of and practice the following rules:

1. Let others tell their own stories first. When others explain their situations, they may reveal interesting facts and valuable clues that will aid you in helping them solve their problems or satisfy their needs. By letting them speak first, you also save time.When their interests are revealed you can tailor your discussion to their particular needs, goals, and objectives and can dispense within appropriate conversation.

2. It is impossible to listen and talk at the same time. This basic rule of effective listening is most often broken, especially by Archie Bunker. People anxious to add their own views to the conversation try to interject comments while another person is speaking. They wait for a pause in the conversation and "rapid fire'' their comments at the other person. This interjection of random comments is irritating to the speaker and actually slows the conversation because the initial speaker must dodge the comments and still keep his train of thought. Why not wait until the speaker's point is made? Then you will have your chance.

An enormous benefit of listening to your client is that he may "sellhimself." He may solve his own problems or even come up with some product benefits that hadn't occurred to you. In addition, encouraging the client to talk keeps him from feeling pressured into a sale. Building confidence and reducing tension strengthen the trust bond between you and your client.

A client who "sells himself" is likely to be more fully committed and less likely to have "buyer's remorse." He may become a staunch defender of your product, be open-minded in future dealings, and be more likely to listen to you.

3. Listen for the main ideas. Specific facts are only important as they pertain to the main theme. They can cause misinterpretation if taken out of context. Relate stated facts to the arguments of the speaker and weigh the verbal evidence used. Take advantage of the superior speed of thought over words and periodically review a portion of the discussion that has already been completed. A good listener also tries to guess the points the speaker will make. Ask yourself: "What is the speaker getting at?" or "What is his point?" Then get feedback. If you guess correctly, your understanding is enhanced, and your attention is increased. If you are incorrect, you learn from your mistake.

4. Be sensitive to your emotional deaf spots. Deaf spots are words that make your mind wander or go off on a mental tangent. They set off a chain reaction that produces a mental barrier inyour mind, which in turn inhibits the continued flow of the speaker'smessage. Everyone is affected by certain words so it is important to discover your own individual stumbling blocks and analyze why these word shave such a profound effect on you.

5. Fight off distractions. Train yourself to listen carefully to your customer's words, despite suchexternal distractions as a ringing telephone, passersby, or other officenoise. Localized distractions, such as the idiosyncrasies of the speaker,may also be irritating, but make a conscious attempt to judge the contentof the message - not the delivery. Focus your attention on the words, ideas, feelings, and underlying intent.Through practice you can improve your power of concentration, so that you can block out external and internal distractions and attend totally to the speaker.

6. Do not trust to memory certain data that may be important. Take brief notes because listening ability is impaired while you are writing. Remember - you cannot effectively do two things at the same time.Write notes in words and phrases rather than complete thoughts. All you need is something to jog your memory later in the day, and then you can recall the complete content of the message. Read your notes as soon aspossible to make sure you understand what you put down on paper and always review them before subsequent contact with your clients.

7. React to the message, not the person. Don't allow your mental impression of the speaker to influence your interpretation of his message. Good thoughts, concepts, and arguments can come from some of your least favorite people. George Jefferson planted the seeds of many ideas in Archie's fertile imagination.

8. Try to appreciate the emotion behind the words (vocal and visualmessages) more than the literal meaning of the words. Try to ask yourself these questïons when another person is speaking: a. What are the other person's feelings? b. What does he mean by what he is saying? c. What is his point of view? d. Why is he saying this? e. What is implied by what he says?

9. Use feedback. Constantly try to chëck your understanding of what you hear. Do not only hear what you want to hear. In addition, chëck to see if the other person wants to comment or respond to what you have previously said. Archie and Edith could have avoided many misunderstandings by simply using feedback.

10. Listen selectively. Critical messages may be hidden within the broader context of a conversation. Listen in such a way that you can separate the wheat from the chaff. Always ask yourself: "What is he telling me that can help me satisfy his needs, solve his problems, and accomplish his goals?"

11. Relax. When another person speaks, try to put him at ease by creating a relaxed,accepting environment. Do not give the speaker the impression that you want to jump right in and speak. Give him a chance to speak his mind.

12. Try not to be critical of the other person's point of view. Hold your temper and your emotional feelings and try to listen to truly understand. Be patient, Archie. Allow the speaker plenty of time to fully finish his train of thought. You might find that what you were initially going to disagree with wasn't such a bad idea after all. Keep an open mind. If you give the other person half a chance to tell you his views,you might find that you have learned something.

13. Listen attentively. Face the speaker with uncrossed arms and legs; lean slightly forward.Establish gentle, intermittent eye contact. Use affirmative head nods and appropriate facial expressions when called for, but do not overdo it.Occasionally respond to your customer with "uh huh," "go on," or "yes," to demonstrate that you are listening.

14. Create a positive listening environment. Shoot for a private atmosphere away from sources of distraction. Make the effort to ensure that the environment is conducive to effective listening.

15. Ask questïons. Ask open-ended questïons to allow the speaker to express his feelings andthoughts. A simple "yes" or "no" is not enough. Use development questïons like "How can I help you?" or "Where do we go from hëre?" to ask the speaker for more details on specific subjects. Clarifying questïons seek information by restating the speaker's remarks. These techniques demonstrate that you're hearing correctly. If you keepthe other person talking, potential ambiguities clear up. The effective use of questïons also allows you to contribute to the conversation.

16. Be motivated to listen. Without the proper attitude all the foregoing suggestions for effective listening are worthless. Try to keep in mind that there is no such thing as an uninteresting speaker, only disinterested listeners. Put out the extra effort to try to listen.

Learning to listen effectively pays off in stronger trust bonds and increased säles. Others feel relieved to find people who actively listen and try to understand what they have to say about their problems and needs. Once that occurs, the speaker generally reciprocates by listening when it's the other person's turn to speak. That leads to an open, honest information exchange, the kind Edith Bunker was yearning for. Isn't that what communication is all about?

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TIPS ON- HOW NOT TO ARGUE

1.It takes two to argue. If you do not give an answer, there cannot be an argument. Just say, "I will talk about this later on" and just softly repeat that phrase.

2.Arguments increases with the volume of the arguers. "A soft answer turns away wrath" (Proverbs 15:1). The more forcefully the other person argues, the quieter your response becomes. You will see the other side tone down his/her voice in response.

3.You don't have an argument if you agree. "That's a nice point." "I have not thought about this." "You are extremely right." Focus on where you can agree, not where you don't agree.

4.Admit you were wrong. No one is a perfect person. Find something to say you are sorry for, to take responsibility for. The other person will feel nice and may even own up to some mistakes of his/her own.

5.Do not accuse or attack. Don't say, "Why did you say this!" "You did this and that!" Ask questions, don't make statements. And ask questions with sincerity not as a cutting sword to make an attack.

6.Remember your goal! In married life, you want harmony, peace, a good atmosphere, love. Arguments lead to stress and anxiety, not peace and pleasantness. Tell yourself: I love my spouse, I love my kids, I love my money (divorces cost a lot of money).

7.Don't be foolish to show disrespect to your partner and to yourself by saying things that are damaging, mean or not worthwhile. You chose this person to be your husband/wife. This is the person above all others who has the qualities to be chosen over the other billions of people on this earth.

8.Turn the argument into a discussion. Don't defend yourself only; give an idea or problem to be clarified. People of good will who reason together can come to a common decision. Listen with an open mind. Be a judge, not a lawyer!

9.Ask yourself, "Is this argument really necessary?" In the end, whatever you are arguing about may not seem so important in the real sense.

Can't We Just Forgive And Forget

Offenses are common, and the offender usually wants to be forgiven. But the offended is usually reluctant to forgive, particularly if the offender hasn't learned anything from the ordeal.

But if forgiveness is difficult, forgetting can be downright impossible for many spouses. How can people be expected to forget some of the most painful experiences of their lives?

In every relationship you're involved in, it’s inevitable that something will happen in the relationship that will cause you to be upset with the other person or the other person will be upset with you.
Now, we've all heard the expression "forgive and forget" but we believe that "forgive and forget" doesn't serve you.
We believe that in most cases, you really don't forget and here's why.
Have you ever had the feeling that the harder you try to "forget" something, the more you end up focusing on it.
If someone says to you, "Don't think of the color blue" "Don't think of the color blue" "Don't think of the color blue," no matter how hard you try, you probably can't stop visualizing or thinking about the color blue.
The same thing happens when you try to "forget" a negative situation that has an emotional charge to it. No matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to do it.
We believe that instead of forgiving and forgetting, you have to forgive and let go. But let go of what?
In almost all cases when you are having a difficult time forgiving someone, you are holding on to an attachment of some kind or another.

The attachments most commonly manifest themselves in the need to be justified, the need to be honored, the need to be right, the need to be vindicated, the desire for revenge, and the inability to move past fear.

So when you are holding onto an attachment, what you are actually doing is holding onto a position which is serving you in some way but it is not moving you forward in healing the relationship.

What is forgiving and forgetting in a relationship?

1. Forgiving is allowing another person to be human for faults, mistakes, or misdeeds. Forgetting is putting these behind you; they are no longer brought up and no longer remain a barrier to your relationship.
2. Forgiving is letting another know that there is no grudge, hard feelings, or animosity for any wrongdoing. Forgetting is the lack of further discussion, with no ongoing negative references to the event.
3. Forgiving is letting the other person know that you accept as genuine the remorse and sorrow for actions or words that hurt or disappointed you. Forgetting is promising that this deed, whether of omission or commission, will not be brought up again.
4. Forgiving is accepting the sincerity of penance, sorrow, and regret expressed over a grievous personal offense; making it sufficient to clear the air. Forgetting is your commitment to let go of anger, hurt, and pain over this offense.
5. Forgiving is giving a sign that a person's explanation or acceptance of blame for a destructive, hurtful, or painful act is fully accepted. Forgetting is the development of a plan of action between the two of you to heal the scars resulting from the behavior.
6. Forgiving is the highest form of human behavior that can be shown to another person. It is the opening up of yourself to that person to be vulnerable to being hurt or offended in the future, yet setting aside this in order to reopen and heal the channels of communication. Forgetting is equally as high a human behavior; it is letting go of the need to seek revenge for past offenses.
7. Forgiving is the act of love between you and a person who has hurt you; the bandage that holds the wound together long enough to heal. Forgetting is also an act of love; in rehabilitation therapy, helping the wounded return to a full, functional, living reality.
8. Forgiving is the God like gift of spiritually connecting with others, touching their hearts to calm the fear of rejection, quiet the sense of failure, and lighten the burden of guilt. Forgetting is the God like gift of spiritually touching others' hearts with the reassurance of a happy and full life with no fear of recrimination, remonstrations, or reminding of past offenses.
9. Forgiving is the act of letting go of temporary ill will, disappointment, or the disgust that arises from the break in your relationship. Forgetting is bridging this gap in the relationship, eventually strengthening it against such a break in the future.
10. Forgiving is an act of compassion, humanity, and gentleness by which you let another know that she/he is indeed a child of the universe upon whom a variety of graces and blessings have been showered and that current or past offenses need not be a barrier preventing goodness and worth to shine through. Forgetting is the act of encouragement, support, and reinforcement by which you assist the other person to rebuild, reconnect and re-establish a loving, caring, healthy relationship with you, others, and the world whereby gifts, talents, and skills are freely appreciated and shared.
information compiled from Tools for Relationships by James J. Messina

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EGO

What is Ego ?
It is deeply ingrained, compulsive need to remain separate and superior at all times, in all places, under all circumstances, it is experienced as an emotional quagmire of fear and attachment.

It is part of you that is fully occupied in its personal fears and desires and lives only for itself. Ego is an anti –evolutionary force of powerful inertia in human nature, attached to the past, terrified of change.

On the positive note it is also a self organizing principle, that coordinates the different aspects of the self. ( Ref: Andrew Cohen home page)

Ego is very universal and Mark Twain rightly said : ‘There is'nt a parallel of Latitude but thinks it would have been the Equator if had its right !!’ The real problem is that if I am egoistic, I will never accept the fact, and that makes it difficult.

However, once a person becomes aware, once self realization dawns, the problem of over coming it becomes easier. Understanding ego is the first step.

For inducing Happiness, medical science has discovered drugs like Prozac, unfortunately for ego no such patented drugs are in the market. However, sages through the ages have dwelt deeply on the subject, and have applied their awakened mind and spiritual powers, and have handed down to us sure shot remedies to over come Ego.

As stated earlier Ego is deeply ingrained in every one, so how to control your ego ?

I quote a sage who said : ‘ If you find that you cannot drive off this feeling of ‘I’,
Then let it remain as the ‘servant I’ there is no fear from the ego, which is centered in the thought – ‘ I am the servant of God; I am his devotee’

A piece of rope, when burnt, retains its form, but cannot serve to bind, so is the ego which is burnt by the fire of supreme Knowledge.

The wise man always says, “ It is Thou, O Lord, it is Thou” but the ignorant and deluded say “ It is I, it is I”

I recommend the following ‘mind pills’ as medical science has yet to find some drug to combat the malady of ego. Hope it will work wonders with your psyche, and you will be able to control ego. The first one will surely prove very effective.

E G O stands for Edging God Out - Anonymous

When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package. John Ruskin

Attachment to things, keep alive a thousand useless ‘I’s in a man. These ‘I’s must die in order that a big ‘I’ may be born. But how can this be made to die ? They do not want to die. It is at this point that the possibility of awakening comes to the rescue. To awaken means to realize one’s nothingness. Gurdjieff, G.I.

The ring always believes that the finger lives for it. Malcom de Chazal

When shall I be free ?
When that ‘I’ vanishes from you, ‘I’ and ‘mine’ – this is ignorance; ‘Thou’ and ‘Thine’- that is true knowledge. Ramakrishna Paramhansa.

There are many such awakened thoughts that will help one control their Ego, but I will end here by just quoting one, which is a beauty.

Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one’s own sunshine.
Ralph Emerson.

DEPRESSION

Causes, Symptoms, and Treatment

by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist

Introduction:
Depression is perhaps the most common of all mental health problems, currently felt to affect one in every four adults to some degree.
Depression is a problem with mood / feeling in which the mood is described as sad, feeling down in the dumps, being blue, or feeling low.
While the depressed mood is present, evidence is also present which reflects the neurochemical or "brain chemistry" aspects of depression with the depressed individual experiencing poor concentration/attention, loss of energy, accelerated thought/worry, sleep/appetite disturbance, and other physical manifestations.

When this diagnosis is present, the individual will exhibit at least five of the following symptoms during the depressive periods:
Depressed mood, most of the day or every day

Markedly diminished interest in all or almost all activities

Significant weight loss or gain or appetite disturbance

Insomnia or excessive sleeping

Psychomotor agitation or retardation (restlessness)

Low energy level or chronic tiredness

Feelings of inadequacy, loss of self-esteem, and/or self-deprecation

Decreased attention, concentration, or ability to think clearly

Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide, an expressed desire to be dead.

Causes of Depression:
Depression can occur under many circumstances but most commonly is present in these two situations:
Sudden Severe Loss In this situation, the individual has experienced a sudden, perhaps surprising severe loss. This loss may be the death of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of friendship, or other grief process.

In this type of depression, the patient can clearly identify what is creating the depressed mood.Long-term High Stress Level In this situation, the patient is depressed but can't quite put their finger on the cause, the "I'm depressed but I don't know why" condition.
Imagine running a video tape of your life, reviewing the past 18 months. Look at the stress you've been under, the amount of responsibility, the number of pressures, and the number of hassles. In actual clinical practice, this cause of depression is seen more often than sudden loss.

This type of depression creeps up on you. When this type of depression is experienced, the patient offers comments such as: "I don't know what's wrong!" "I don't know how I feel." "My feelings are numb.
"Brain Chemistry and Depression:The human brain operates, much like your automobile, on fluids called neurotransmitters. Just as your automobile has brake fluid, antifreeze, transmission fluid, and oil - your brain runs on these neurotransmitters.
Some give us energy, like those related to adrenalin, some control body movements ("dopamine" as an example), and some control mood.The brain neurotransmitter often associated with depression is called serotonin. Serotonin is the brain's "oil", a rather slow-acting neurotransmitter that is associated with sleep, appetite, energy, alertness, and mood - just to name a few.
Using the automobile as an example, if we drive our car to California at a speed of 120 mile per hour, running the engine hot for a long time, it would obviously use more oil.
As long as we provided gas, however, it would continue to run. Now suppose in our trip that for every two quarts of oil we burn, we only replace one quart. By the time we reached California we'd be several quarts low and our engine would be obviously overworked and overheated.
During long-term high stress, the brain burns its' oil, serotonin, at a higher rate.
The bottom line in depression and stress: The brain burns up more serotonin than it can replace! In the end result, after many months of severe stress, the brain is using serotonin faster than it can create/replace it.
Your neurochemical level of serotonin drops and you become depressed.
You'll know your Serotonin level is low (and depression is here) by the following symptoms:

1. Most depressed folks experience early morning awakening, usually around 4:00 am (farmers are exempted). Serotonin, you see, controls our sleep cycle.

2. Concentration and attention will drop. Depressed children/students will experience a drop in grades. You'll start putting odd things in the refrigerator (a bowling ball is the office record!), forget why you went to the grocery, and become very forgetful and scatterbrained at work/home.

3. You'll lose physical energy. You can sleep for ten hours and you'll still be bone tired. You will cry at the drop of a hat - driving down the highway, doing dishes, sitting at work, etc.

4. Sexual interest, appetite, and general interest will rapidly drop. You will stop answering the phone, stop visiting friends/relatives, and pull the blinds.

5. Most dangerous - your mind speed will increase. Your mind will race at what seems like 200 miles per hour. Depressed people often tell their doctor "I can't get my mind to stop!" The minute you wake up in the morning - it will start up. Your brain will then turn against you. It will reach in your memory and pull out every bad memory it can find - abuse as a child, failed relationships, etc. - anything to make you feel bad and especially guilty. You will be tortured by your own thoughts.

6. As your mind speed picks up, the "garbage truck" will arrive. While the brain is already torturing you with the past, it will create/invent new ideas/thoughts to torture you. In every case of depression, if the depression stays long enough, you will receive the same "garbage" thoughts from your mind. You will be told:
you are a burden to your family/friends
you have failed/disappointed your family
no one really cares about you
your children would be better raised by someone else
your family would be better off without you
your spouse would be better off without you
you are going crazy and there's no hope
it would be better if you weren't around
you would be better off dead
you should probably kill yourself
If you're depressed - then you already know about the garbage truck. It's almost impossible to explain this part, and the excessive mind speed, to someone who has never been seriously depressed. If your depression goes untreated, this constant "garbage" will totally destroy your self-confidence. Try as you may, you will be unable to control this part of depression.

7. As part of the "garbage truck", your mind will try to make you as uncomfortable as possible. You may be flooded with thoughts of violence (against yourself and others), you'll think you are condemned by God, or you'll think you deserve this condition for some reason. Your garbage will also tell you that if you seek professional help (physician, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc.) that you'll be committed to an institution forever.

8. When depressed, your brain begins running a mental "video tape" of your worst hits/experiences. If married, a mental tape of the marriage is played daily, only focusing on the worst experiences. If you are young, you will suddenly become preoccupied with your upbringing, who got the best gym shoes, the favorite child, the car you never received.
Frequent if not constant thoughts and preoccupations about past problems and issues is a common sign of depression.In short, depression is a neurochemical reaction to severe and prolonged stress, either suddenly surfacing or gradually creeping up on you over a period of many months. The treatment for this dark cloud is much easier than you think.

Current Treatment for Depression:Treatment for depression frequently involves two programs, one using antidepressant medication and the other repairing the damage done by months of "garbage".
In all current research, the best way to recover from a severe depression is using both methods.

Medication Treatment: Remember the automobile example, being several quarts low after running too hot for too long. Depression is treated medically in a similar manner - we add a few quarts of oil until the fluid level (Serotonin) is normal.
In depression, we use antidepressant medication to "add" the brain's oil, in most cases, Serotonin. An antidepressant medication slowly increases the Serotonin in the brain. Prozac, Zoloft, and the newest "Paxil" are antidepressants especially made for this purpose.
They form a new class of antidepressant medications, SSRI's, or Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors.As in the automobile, as your "oil" level goes up, your symptoms go down.
Most antidepressant medications require at least four to six weeks to increase the serotonin level significantly although you'll notice improvements after the first week.
Antidepressant medications, the SSRI's for example, often stop crying spells in five to seven days and stop the "garbage truck" in five to ten days.

Psychological Treatment: Psychologists and other therapists work with you to repair the damage done by the "garbage", helping you sort out reality from what your brain has fed you over the past many months.
Many people feel going to a psychologist or therapist involves laying on a couch and talking about your toilet training during childhood - Nonsense! Modern psychologists are experts in not only brain chemistry, but how to repair "thinking" damage and rebuild/reconstruct your confidence.
The combination of medication and therapy is extremely effective.
Usually, successful treatment for severe depression involves both medication and therapy/counseling.
With both, you can expect normal sleep to return first, followed by a slowing of mind speed and the garbage truck leaving.

Some General Thoughts:
1. Depression is the most common mental health problem treated by modern psychologists and psychiatrists.
In most cases, hospitalization is not required unless you have waited until you have active suicidal thoughts.
2. If you are depressed, expect your brain to be filled with mental garbage - get ready for it! During this time, do not take action on those garbage thoughts and make no major changes in your life. It's best to wait until the garbage truck leaves before making decisions that will or may change our life.

3. Depression has been researched by physicians, psychologists, psychiatrists, scientists, and others. Listen to the advice of your professionals who study depression - not your neighbors or your aunt Gladys. If placed on medication, you may be told "Don't take that Dope!". Remember, the people giving you advice don't have a 200 mile-per-hour garbage truck following them! Stick with professional opinion. Depression is a chemical problem, not caused by demons, devils, poor eating habits, a new moon, or other old-wives tales.

4. You may have other symptoms with your depression, such as severe anxiety or agitation (pacing, no sleep at all, "hyper", etc.). That only means another neurochemical has kicked in. In these cases, a psychiatrist can best select the medication for the combination of anxiety and depression.

5. When you are depressed, those who love you will become a pain-in-the-butt. They will "bug" you constantly, trying to cheer you up, giving you advice ("snap out of it" is most common), and trying to be by your side. Children will become shadows when their mother is depressed, almost protecting Mom. Be prepared for this.

6. During depression, remember that your brain goes on a bad-memory hunt, looking for old memories to torture you. Be prepared to relive or re-feel old hurts, old doubts, old guilt, and old sorrows. Be curious about what memory files the brain selects rather than focus on those memories. You can expect your brain to constantly replay the video tape (your "worst hits" tape) of your life. You'll feel guilty for things you did as a child, mistakes you made ten years ago, etc. You'll live in the past as long as the depression remains. It may interest you to know that as the serotonin level increases, the "past" returns to the past as a memory - not a torture.

7. As your brain tortures you, it may "lock on" horrible thoughts. You may feel you have a terminal disease. You may become preoccupied with guns, evil thoughts, etc. Often, individuals feel they are somehow contaminated by a killer disease, fearing they will pass it to their family. One husband brought his wife in for treatment when she began fixing breakfast in a surgical mask and rubber gloves!
One man sought treatment at the office after nailing his closet door shut with 148 nails - his brain became preoccupied with the shotgun in that closet, telling him to kill his family and then himself.In other depressed situations, people become obsessed with other issues, almost always "the road not taken".
Often viewed as mid-life crisis, a straight-laced businessman now wants a Harley and a tattoo while another individual begins suddenly thinking about a past sweetheart. In almost all of these situations, the individual acts totally out of character.

8. All depressed folks look for escapes. Common methods of trying to escape depression are excessive alcohol use, drugs, sexual relationships, changing jobs, etc.
A lot of good marriages are lost during these times as the spouse of the depressed partner hears "I've got to have space" or "I've got to get away and find myself!" You'll find these escapes don't work. These methods only complicate your depression and your recovery. Best bet - don't make changes, just get to a professional.

9. Most people classify all medications that act on emotions as "nerve pills".
This is far from the truth. Psychiatrists actually have medications for anxiety / nervousness and those for depression.
Different brain chemicals are involved in each condition and many people make the serious mistake of taking an antianxiety medication for their "nerves", thinking they are treating their depression - Wrong!
While you will be calmer, you will stay depressed. It's like drinking six beers for a broken arm - you might feel the pain less but your arm is still broken. A psychiatrist is most qualified to select the proper medication for your condition.

10. If you are placed on medication, don't expect an immediate recovery.
With antidepressants, it's similar to refilling the oil in the car, only at 1/8th of a quart a day. As you continue to take the medication, your mood will slowly improve as the serotonin level increases in the brain.
When depressed, every day is bad and full of mental garbage. As medication continues, you'll have a bad, then good day.
As serotonin gets higher, you'll have a bad morning, then three good days. In short, it's bad-and-good at first, then finally good days with routine hassles.
No one is happy all the time. People that are happy all the time are institutionalized - it's not normal. "Normal" is a good mood with normal reactions to the stress of everyday life.

11. In selecting a therapist/counselor, each one is different. All have different personalities, styles, and attitudes.
Select one that has your style and most important - somebody that makes sense.
If you meet one that says "I don't believe in medications" - get out of there! That therapist is about thirty years behind modern treatment.
Often, your family physician is in a position to recommend the best therapist in your area.
You can also look for signs of acceptance in the professional community, such as hospital privileges. You may have to shop around to find a therapist right for you.
As a word of caution, many inexperienced therapists or those with limited training may miss the fact that you are depressed.
You may arrive at the therapist office preoccupied about something in your childhood that actually happened 20 years ago.
You may also fool your family physician with multiple physical complaints as when Serotonin is low, all body systems seem to go haywire.
A properly trained therapist will not only asked about your life and upbringing, but about the physical aspects of your situation; your sleep, sexual interest, concentration, and other indicators of low-serotonin depression or stress.
The inexperienced therapist might focus on the "garbage truck" thoughts and miss the big picture, the presence of depression.
If you are clinically depressed, weekly discussions of your past as told by the garbage truck will only prolong your depression and possibly intensify it.
If in doubt, consult your family physician to obtain a medical/physical view of the situation as most physicians are usually trained to recognize the indications of low-serotonin depression.
If you think depression is part of the problem, ask your family physician to refer you to a psychiatrist or psychologist in your area.

12. Depression affects more than the individual with the depression - it's a family-and-friends problem as well.
If your spouse is depressed, he or she may be constantly talking about the history of the marriage and relationship. Remember, the "garbage truck" is running in their brain, thinking of every bad thing that has been done, said, or not done.
The spouse that isn't depressed is frequently "dumped on" with hundreds of accusations and thoughts that are long after-the-fact and totally beyond correction at this point.
The nondepressed spouse may suddenly learn that their partner never did like their hairstyle, their mother, their choice of automobile, or the price of the house.
The nondepressed spouse will hear many "thoughts" that were present at the time of marital decisions, often years ago, but were never mentioned.
The non depressed spouse may be awakened at night with accusations and complaints that may last for hours.
The nondepressed spouse will be made to feel responsible for these unspoken wishes and will be helpless as the depressed spouse lists mistakes and misunderstandings that have taken place during the entire marriage/relationship.
Even though they might have been discussed at the time, the nondepressed spouse will receive much blame for past events.
If your son or daughter is depressed, they may suddenly withdraw from the family or become hostile.
Due to their youth, most of their life experience is associated with the family, remembering that family experiences makes up 70 percent of their mental video tape.
For this reason, the "garbage truck" will be reviewing every mistake or issue in their upbringing.
In such cases, the parents are "dumped on" with what they did wrong, bad decisions they've made in raising the son/daughter, or feelings that were never discussed related to their brothers or sisters.
With the low self-esteem created by the depression and stress, the son/daughter may be intensely rejecting, as though feeling they must reject the parents before the parents have a chance to reject them.
The anger and hostility is often so strong that parents miss the fact that their son/daughter is depressed - they're too busy dealing with accusations or hostility to see the depressed mood.
Older sons and daughters may start apologizing for their behavior in their childhood, seeking forgiveness - despite the fact that they are now parents themselves.
Parents may be shocked to find that their depressed married son/daughter is suddenly thinking of divorce in a circumstance that is "out of the blue" and totally unexpected.If a friend is depressed, they will suddenly have no interest in maintaining your friendship.
They'll stop calling, visiting, or writing. If your depressed best friend suddenly gives you their most prized possession or asks you to be included in their will to take care of their children - be on the alert!
Such behaviors are often part of a suicide plan in which the depressed friend wants to "take care of business" before they leave this earth.
At that point, a heart-to-heart talk is needed, perhaps offering to accompany them to a professional's office for help.
Many depressed individuals are brought to the office by their parents, friends, ministers, union stewards, or work supervisors.Conclusions:Depression, at some level, will hit every adult eventually.
While most depressions are brief, with our serotonin gradually returning as stress decreases, when depression comes and stays you may need professional treatment to recover. If you think you may have depression, obtain an opinion from a mental health or medical professional. That professional can then guide you in the direction of additional treatment and/or possible medication.
Depression is no longer a mystery and is easily treated by modern methods. Treatment is usually short-term, there's no lying on a couch, and your insurance covers most of the charges.
Your community mental health professionals are your clinical psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and those at your community health-care facilities.