1.It takes two to argue. If you do not give an answer, there cannot be an argument. Just say, "I will talk about this later on" and just softly repeat that phrase.
2.Arguments increases with the volume of the arguers. "A soft answer turns away wrath" (Proverbs 15:1). The more forcefully the other person argues, the quieter your response becomes. You will see the other side tone down his/her voice in response.
3.You don't have an argument if you agree. "That's a nice point." "I have not thought about this." "You are extremely right." Focus on where you can agree, not where you don't agree.
4.Admit you were wrong. No one is a perfect person. Find something to say you are sorry for, to take responsibility for. The other person will feel nice and may even own up to some mistakes of his/her own.
5.Do not accuse or attack. Don't say, "Why did you say this!" "You did this and that!" Ask questions, don't make statements. And ask questions with sincerity not as a cutting sword to make an attack.
6.Remember your goal! In married life, you want harmony, peace, a good atmosphere, love. Arguments lead to stress and anxiety, not peace and pleasantness. Tell yourself: I love my spouse, I love my kids, I love my money (divorces cost a lot of money).
7.Don't be foolish to show disrespect to your partner and to yourself by saying things that are damaging, mean or not worthwhile. You chose this person to be your husband/wife. This is the person above all others who has the qualities to be chosen over the other billions of people on this earth.
8.Turn the argument into a discussion. Don't defend yourself only; give an idea or problem to be clarified. People of good will who reason together can come to a common decision. Listen with an open mind. Be a judge, not a lawyer!
9.Ask yourself, "Is this argument really necessary?" In the end, whatever you are arguing about may not seem so important in the real sense.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Can't We Just Forgive And Forget
Offenses are common, and the offender usually wants to be forgiven. But the offended is usually reluctant to forgive, particularly if the offender hasn't learned anything from the ordeal.
But if forgiveness is difficult, forgetting can be downright impossible for many spouses. How can people be expected to forget some of the most painful experiences of their lives?
In every relationship you're involved in, it’s inevitable that something will happen in the relationship that will cause you to be upset with the other person or the other person will be upset with you.
Now, we've all heard the expression "forgive and forget" but we believe that "forgive and forget" doesn't serve you.
We believe that in most cases, you really don't forget and here's why.
Have you ever had the feeling that the harder you try to "forget" something, the more you end up focusing on it.
If someone says to you, "Don't think of the color blue" "Don't think of the color blue" "Don't think of the color blue," no matter how hard you try, you probably can't stop visualizing or thinking about the color blue.
The same thing happens when you try to "forget" a negative situation that has an emotional charge to it. No matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to do it.
We believe that instead of forgiving and forgetting, you have to forgive and let go. But let go of what?
In almost all cases when you are having a difficult time forgiving someone, you are holding on to an attachment of some kind or another.
The attachments most commonly manifest themselves in the need to be justified, the need to be honored, the need to be right, the need to be vindicated, the desire for revenge, and the inability to move past fear.
So when you are holding onto an attachment, what you are actually doing is holding onto a position which is serving you in some way but it is not moving you forward in healing the relationship.
But if forgiveness is difficult, forgetting can be downright impossible for many spouses. How can people be expected to forget some of the most painful experiences of their lives?
In every relationship you're involved in, it’s inevitable that something will happen in the relationship that will cause you to be upset with the other person or the other person will be upset with you.
Now, we've all heard the expression "forgive and forget" but we believe that "forgive and forget" doesn't serve you.
We believe that in most cases, you really don't forget and here's why.
Have you ever had the feeling that the harder you try to "forget" something, the more you end up focusing on it.
If someone says to you, "Don't think of the color blue" "Don't think of the color blue" "Don't think of the color blue," no matter how hard you try, you probably can't stop visualizing or thinking about the color blue.
The same thing happens when you try to "forget" a negative situation that has an emotional charge to it. No matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to do it.
We believe that instead of forgiving and forgetting, you have to forgive and let go. But let go of what?
In almost all cases when you are having a difficult time forgiving someone, you are holding on to an attachment of some kind or another.
The attachments most commonly manifest themselves in the need to be justified, the need to be honored, the need to be right, the need to be vindicated, the desire for revenge, and the inability to move past fear.
So when you are holding onto an attachment, what you are actually doing is holding onto a position which is serving you in some way but it is not moving you forward in healing the relationship.
Friday, June 8, 2007
What is forgiving and forgetting in a relationship?
1. Forgiving is allowing another person to be human for faults, mistakes, or misdeeds. Forgetting is putting these behind you; they are no longer brought up and no longer remain a barrier to your relationship.
2. Forgiving is letting another know that there is no grudge, hard feelings, or animosity for any wrongdoing. Forgetting is the lack of further discussion, with no ongoing negative references to the event.
3. Forgiving is letting the other person know that you accept as genuine the remorse and sorrow for actions or words that hurt or disappointed you. Forgetting is promising that this deed, whether of omission or commission, will not be brought up again.
4. Forgiving is accepting the sincerity of penance, sorrow, and regret expressed over a grievous personal offense; making it sufficient to clear the air. Forgetting is your commitment to let go of anger, hurt, and pain over this offense.
5. Forgiving is giving a sign that a person's explanation or acceptance of blame for a destructive, hurtful, or painful act is fully accepted. Forgetting is the development of a plan of action between the two of you to heal the scars resulting from the behavior.
6. Forgiving is the highest form of human behavior that can be shown to another person. It is the opening up of yourself to that person to be vulnerable to being hurt or offended in the future, yet setting aside this in order to reopen and heal the channels of communication. Forgetting is equally as high a human behavior; it is letting go of the need to seek revenge for past offenses.
7. Forgiving is the act of love between you and a person who has hurt you; the bandage that holds the wound together long enough to heal. Forgetting is also an act of love; in rehabilitation therapy, helping the wounded return to a full, functional, living reality.
8. Forgiving is the God like gift of spiritually connecting with others, touching their hearts to calm the fear of rejection, quiet the sense of failure, and lighten the burden of guilt. Forgetting is the God like gift of spiritually touching others' hearts with the reassurance of a happy and full life with no fear of recrimination, remonstrations, or reminding of past offenses.
9. Forgiving is the act of letting go of temporary ill will, disappointment, or the disgust that arises from the break in your relationship. Forgetting is bridging this gap in the relationship, eventually strengthening it against such a break in the future.
10. Forgiving is an act of compassion, humanity, and gentleness by which you let another know that she/he is indeed a child of the universe upon whom a variety of graces and blessings have been showered and that current or past offenses need not be a barrier preventing goodness and worth to shine through. Forgetting is the act of encouragement, support, and reinforcement by which you assist the other person to rebuild, reconnect and re-establish a loving, caring, healthy relationship with you, others, and the world whereby gifts, talents, and skills are freely appreciated and shared.
information compiled from Tools for Relationships by James J. Messina
2. Forgiving is letting another know that there is no grudge, hard feelings, or animosity for any wrongdoing. Forgetting is the lack of further discussion, with no ongoing negative references to the event.
3. Forgiving is letting the other person know that you accept as genuine the remorse and sorrow for actions or words that hurt or disappointed you. Forgetting is promising that this deed, whether of omission or commission, will not be brought up again.
4. Forgiving is accepting the sincerity of penance, sorrow, and regret expressed over a grievous personal offense; making it sufficient to clear the air. Forgetting is your commitment to let go of anger, hurt, and pain over this offense.
5. Forgiving is giving a sign that a person's explanation or acceptance of blame for a destructive, hurtful, or painful act is fully accepted. Forgetting is the development of a plan of action between the two of you to heal the scars resulting from the behavior.
6. Forgiving is the highest form of human behavior that can be shown to another person. It is the opening up of yourself to that person to be vulnerable to being hurt or offended in the future, yet setting aside this in order to reopen and heal the channels of communication. Forgetting is equally as high a human behavior; it is letting go of the need to seek revenge for past offenses.
7. Forgiving is the act of love between you and a person who has hurt you; the bandage that holds the wound together long enough to heal. Forgetting is also an act of love; in rehabilitation therapy, helping the wounded return to a full, functional, living reality.
8. Forgiving is the God like gift of spiritually connecting with others, touching their hearts to calm the fear of rejection, quiet the sense of failure, and lighten the burden of guilt. Forgetting is the God like gift of spiritually touching others' hearts with the reassurance of a happy and full life with no fear of recrimination, remonstrations, or reminding of past offenses.
9. Forgiving is the act of letting go of temporary ill will, disappointment, or the disgust that arises from the break in your relationship. Forgetting is bridging this gap in the relationship, eventually strengthening it against such a break in the future.
10. Forgiving is an act of compassion, humanity, and gentleness by which you let another know that she/he is indeed a child of the universe upon whom a variety of graces and blessings have been showered and that current or past offenses need not be a barrier preventing goodness and worth to shine through. Forgetting is the act of encouragement, support, and reinforcement by which you assist the other person to rebuild, reconnect and re-establish a loving, caring, healthy relationship with you, others, and the world whereby gifts, talents, and skills are freely appreciated and shared.
information compiled from Tools for Relationships by James J. Messina
Monday, June 4, 2007
Sunday, June 3, 2007
EGO
What is Ego ?
It is deeply ingrained, compulsive need to remain separate and superior at all times, in all places, under all circumstances, it is experienced as an emotional quagmire of fear and attachment.
It is part of you that is fully occupied in its personal fears and desires and lives only for itself. Ego is an anti –evolutionary force of powerful inertia in human nature, attached to the past, terrified of change.
On the positive note it is also a self organizing principle, that coordinates the different aspects of the self. ( Ref: Andrew Cohen home page)
Ego is very universal and Mark Twain rightly said : ‘There is'nt a parallel of Latitude but thinks it would have been the Equator if had its right !!’ The real problem is that if I am egoistic, I will never accept the fact, and that makes it difficult.
However, once a person becomes aware, once self realization dawns, the problem of over coming it becomes easier. Understanding ego is the first step.
For inducing Happiness, medical science has discovered drugs like Prozac, unfortunately for ego no such patented drugs are in the market. However, sages through the ages have dwelt deeply on the subject, and have applied their awakened mind and spiritual powers, and have handed down to us sure shot remedies to over come Ego.
As stated earlier Ego is deeply ingrained in every one, so how to control your ego ?
I quote a sage who said : ‘ If you find that you cannot drive off this feeling of ‘I’,
Then let it remain as the ‘servant I’ there is no fear from the ego, which is centered in the thought – ‘ I am the servant of God; I am his devotee’
A piece of rope, when burnt, retains its form, but cannot serve to bind, so is the ego which is burnt by the fire of supreme Knowledge.
The wise man always says, “ It is Thou, O Lord, it is Thou” but the ignorant and deluded say “ It is I, it is I”
I recommend the following ‘mind pills’ as medical science has yet to find some drug to combat the malady of ego. Hope it will work wonders with your psyche, and you will be able to control ego. The first one will surely prove very effective.
E G O stands for Edging God Out - Anonymous
When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package. John Ruskin
Attachment to things, keep alive a thousand useless ‘I’s in a man. These ‘I’s must die in order that a big ‘I’ may be born. But how can this be made to die ? They do not want to die. It is at this point that the possibility of awakening comes to the rescue. To awaken means to realize one’s nothingness. Gurdjieff, G.I.
The ring always believes that the finger lives for it. Malcom de Chazal
When shall I be free ?
When that ‘I’ vanishes from you, ‘I’ and ‘mine’ – this is ignorance; ‘Thou’ and ‘Thine’- that is true knowledge. Ramakrishna Paramhansa.
There are many such awakened thoughts that will help one control their Ego, but I will end here by just quoting one, which is a beauty.
Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one’s own sunshine.
Ralph Emerson.
It is deeply ingrained, compulsive need to remain separate and superior at all times, in all places, under all circumstances, it is experienced as an emotional quagmire of fear and attachment.
It is part of you that is fully occupied in its personal fears and desires and lives only for itself. Ego is an anti –evolutionary force of powerful inertia in human nature, attached to the past, terrified of change.
On the positive note it is also a self organizing principle, that coordinates the different aspects of the self. ( Ref: Andrew Cohen home page)
Ego is very universal and Mark Twain rightly said : ‘There is'nt a parallel of Latitude but thinks it would have been the Equator if had its right !!’ The real problem is that if I am egoistic, I will never accept the fact, and that makes it difficult.
However, once a person becomes aware, once self realization dawns, the problem of over coming it becomes easier. Understanding ego is the first step.
For inducing Happiness, medical science has discovered drugs like Prozac, unfortunately for ego no such patented drugs are in the market. However, sages through the ages have dwelt deeply on the subject, and have applied their awakened mind and spiritual powers, and have handed down to us sure shot remedies to over come Ego.
As stated earlier Ego is deeply ingrained in every one, so how to control your ego ?
I quote a sage who said : ‘ If you find that you cannot drive off this feeling of ‘I’,
Then let it remain as the ‘servant I’ there is no fear from the ego, which is centered in the thought – ‘ I am the servant of God; I am his devotee’
A piece of rope, when burnt, retains its form, but cannot serve to bind, so is the ego which is burnt by the fire of supreme Knowledge.
The wise man always says, “ It is Thou, O Lord, it is Thou” but the ignorant and deluded say “ It is I, it is I”
I recommend the following ‘mind pills’ as medical science has yet to find some drug to combat the malady of ego. Hope it will work wonders with your psyche, and you will be able to control ego. The first one will surely prove very effective.
E G O stands for Edging God Out - Anonymous
When a man is wrapped up in himself, he makes a pretty small package. John Ruskin
Attachment to things, keep alive a thousand useless ‘I’s in a man. These ‘I’s must die in order that a big ‘I’ may be born. But how can this be made to die ? They do not want to die. It is at this point that the possibility of awakening comes to the rescue. To awaken means to realize one’s nothingness. Gurdjieff, G.I.
The ring always believes that the finger lives for it. Malcom de Chazal
When shall I be free ?
When that ‘I’ vanishes from you, ‘I’ and ‘mine’ – this is ignorance; ‘Thou’ and ‘Thine’- that is true knowledge. Ramakrishna Paramhansa.
There are many such awakened thoughts that will help one control their Ego, but I will end here by just quoting one, which is a beauty.
Most of the shadows of this life are caused by standing in one’s own sunshine.
Ralph Emerson.
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